today at the park some guy broke his ankle and one of the people said “give him some lettuce” and everyone just stared at him for like 7 seconds until he said “I meant ice”
so im lying naked in bed bc its hot out and then i hear an icecream truck AND I WAS REALLY SCARED I WOULDNT GET TO IT IN TIME SO I GRABBED MY MONEY AND BLANKET AND RAN ACROSS THE STREET NAKED IN BLANKET TO GET ICEC REAM AND IT WAS THE BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE
yolo was never more appropriate
OKAY SO ALMOST 2 MONTHS AGO OUR ENGLISH TEACHER FORCED US TO ENTER A POETRY CONTEST AND I WAS ABOUT TO ENTER A POEM WHEN IT TRIED TO FORCE ME TO GIVE IT A TITLE SO IN A FIT OF RAGE I WROTE A NEW POEM COMPLAINING ABOUT THE TITLE REQUIREMENT
AND TODAY I WENT TO CHECK MY EMAIL AND I??????
YOU ARE LITERALLY PUBLISHING AN INSULT TO YOUR OWN RULES BUT OKAY I GUESS IF GETTING TALKED DOWN TO TURNS YOU ON SOMEHOW AND I GET PUBLISHED I’VE GOT NO COMPLAINTS HERE?
- me: what do you call a nun in a wheel chair?
- mum: what
- me: Virgin Mobile
- mum: go to your room
- BFF: Grandmother I need to talk to you
- Grandma: [concerned voice] What? What is it? Are you sick?
- BFF: No, no. Grandma. I'm gay.
- Grandma: What?
- BFF: I'm gay Grandma. I have a girlfriend now.
- Grandma: [relieved voice] Oh honey, is that all? I thought you had cancer. Anytime someone needs to tell me something they are sick. Who's your girlfriend, when is her birthday? I'll bake her a pie.
i don’t think anyone understands that when i say i get secondhand embarrassment easily i mean at the first sign of trouble for a character in a television show i immediately pause and sit there for ten to thirty minutes thinking “oh god they fucked up”
I knew you were trouble when you walked into my house and demanded me for all my valuables.
I wonder if perhaps the U.S. government forced Microsoft to turn the XBox One into a spying tool, so Microsoft is actually trying to make it such an epic fail so that nobody will buy it. It’s the only thing I can think of that makes sense.
that is a terrifying thought
I wish there were necklaces given to us at birth that were half of a unique shape and your soulmate wore the other half and they got warmer the closer together you were and colder the further away you were so you could go on this journey when you’re ready to find your other half so that you could be spared all the pain and heartbreak of being played with by those who don’t take dating as seriously as you do
Have you ever started to check your tumblr in the middle of getting dressed and half an hour later you’re still standing in your underwear with one sock on and also 15 minutes late.